From Darfuria

This section consist of direct quotes by players or their characters from our playing sessions.

We started recording amusing quotes in around 2005. New quotes are added at the bottom.

The idea came from Lizzy and Ogg, who didn't play D&D at all.

The Actual Quotes

George (explaining what happened to Justarius whilst trying hard to close the window): Fortunately for the rest of the universe... I have a slippery hand.

George: I don’t know, I think wizards enjoy creeping off to the library.

George: That has to be the most inappropriate form of bisculation imaginable.

Dan: So where are you going?

George: Upstairs.

Dan: Sure?

George: No.

Dan: So where are you going?

George: Upstairs.

Dan: Sure?

George: No.

Dan: So where are you going?

George: Upstairs.

Dan: Sure?

George: No. What colour are the buttons?

Dan: Blue and green.

George: Okay. --- We will go upstairs.

Dan: Would it have made any difference if they were any other colour?

George: Yes, if they were grey and beige.

Dan: Well they are now those colours.

George: Okay. We will go upstairs.

Dan: Sure?

George: No.

Dan: So! Where are you going then?

George: Outside to stroke the Pegusi.

Dan: Okay.

George: We will go back and check on the buttons, what colour are they now?

Dan: Changing between; green, grey, pink, brown, beige, mahogany and maroon.

George: Okay we will go upstairs.

Dan: Sure?

George: No.

Dan (after taking a slurp of his tea and grimacing): Can you count to two?

George: Who? What? When? Where? How? And sometimes, why?

Terrafarlow: You can’t throw exploding rocks at a wizard and expect him to stand up.

Unwise: Reach forth with your bardiche!

Finch: I don’t think it's a wise idea to toss the cleric into the river.

Dan (after Fruban fell down a pit head first): From half orc to horse features.

Dan: Hagrid is a few thousand off of 11th level.

George: Creditable!

(Hagrid refers to Hagrid Itzinfan.)

Dan (after looking in the fridge): That really is an excessive quantity of cow extract.

Dan: He was on -22.

George: I still think -22 would have been enough to make him croak.

Dan: Well... If someone had gotten there that round.

George: I still think -22 is pushing the envelope.

Martin: I worship acne and other skin conditions.

George: I have taken enough ibuprofen to rattle quite profusely if I were to jump up and down.

Dan: How do you work out a monk's chance to be surprised?

George: You probably throw turnips at his grandmother.

George: We are in Scorpio now... the end of October... the days of the scorpion... pass me my mallet.

Martin: Can someone help me with gnomes a minute?

George: Nahh... I can’t be dealing with the Tweenies.

George: It happens if you roll a 7.

George: Do you like treading on cakes?

George: Creditable mittens.

Dan: And now my hands are buzzing.

George: Yes... and somebody just dropped their hotdog.

Dan: What weighs 50 lbs?

George: About 12½ ducks.

Dan: Is there anything unusual about the back of the door?

George: No, it’s particularly ordinary.

Dan: And then there will be an outbreak of fudge based violence.

Dan: I am proud to be something I’m not.

Dan: I want a chequered hoodie.

Martin: I want a paisley jock strap.

Crudbuduplub: Good luck in your quest, I hope you find your missing friends. And now it’s time for me to defecate. (He runs off into the woods.)

Martin: The beef pushers.

George: The rock clonkers.

Martin: The pulley setters. It’s either that or being a beef pusher.

George: Ahh. Somebody has buried the hobbit.

Dan: Yes but when she has finished she will make a big deposit to her church... ten copper.

George: She’ll use the lavatory.

Dan: She went from Anne Robinson to Jennifer Lopez in 3.8 seconds.

Dan: I guess he might know something about astronomy because he’s a farmer.

Dan: Why is that door all the way over there? I think somebody opened it a little too much.

Martin: I guess it doesn't matter as long as you end up on the plane you belong on. If I belong in hell then it won't matter. I might get a decent job for once and laid more often!

Sloth: She's gone from beef pushing to pork bashing.

George: You hear coughing then clanking and clattering. Then a click, a rattle, a clash, some clanking, and a clonk.

Dan: Nice cup of tea. Now I need a dentist.

George: Much monk munchage.

George: I like filling my rockery with quotes.

Lido: You shouldn't use drugs Spierdolaj. You should be more careful.

Spierdalaj: I've been taking drugs for over 150 years! I'm not going to stop now!

George: Haha! Said Boris as he threw the wheelbarrow through someones greenhouse.

A hexton: Well done Twang! Somebody give this hobbit a biscuit!

Dan: -36! That isn't pushing the envelope! That’s carrying the post box.

Dan: Jackey jumps over the pit.

George: What did he roll?

Dan: 12.

George: Oh... He falls down the pit.

Chastan: What the hell did you do that for?!

(This refers to Jackey Bodon.)

George: Anything else to add apart from he's a dead shot with a turnip?

Dan: Yeah, he spent ages throwing turnips... didn't he...

George: He's hiding behind a jar of slippers.

Martin: Everyone become hobbit sized for my friends... that's it... yes, they're the tallest.

Dan: What about Ferrius?

George: He wants a normal nose.

Dan: Why? What's wrong with his?

George: It's not... normal.

Dan: Wow, exactly a week after Mundai's date Zegclite's temple will be complete.

George: Really? She could go and cast invisibility on it!

Tarn: *Knocks on door*

Stliptyt: *opens door*

Radnor: Have you got a pound of jam?

Stliptyt: ... No!

Tarn: What is your name, oh brave sage of Tibesti?

Stliptyt: Doctor Run.

Tarn: Oh. Really?

Stliptyt: No! I lied! My name is Stliptyt!

Radnor: Are you sure!?

Stliptyt: S...T...L...I...P...T...Y...T... Of course I am sure!

Kronosia: Were you raised in an orphanage?

Stliptyt: No, I was dropped in a plant shop.

Zawowski: I'm on 1 hit point and I just killed everything.

Dan: Is that tea or coffee?

George: Yes.

George: Have you got a lighter that works over there, mate?

Martin: I have... It works over here and over there.

George: Silvanus

Dan: (wondering on the spelling) ...A...N...U...S?

George: Yes... And the same to you.

George: I think all of the others are going to go and deal with mergification with Thramcrauk the Infinately Bobular.

Dan: How heavy does the piece of stone look?

George: Yes, it certainly does.

Martin: I’m going to go and get a colander.

Twitch: There’s an electrum piece. Now, sacrifice your sandwich so that I can demonstrate my prowess!

Glink: Pleased to meet you, Boristopules of the Lingerie.

Bronbus: How’s the universe treating you both?

Fu: The universe treats us as it treats all of its inhabitants as is the will of Ptah, creator of the universe and opener of the ways.

Bronbus: Oh. I thought asking you might be a mistake. How about you, Hû?

: I am proud to say that recently my master has become a demi-god.

Dan: What’s the difference between a WIS of 18 and 19?

George: One.

Dan: There is a certain line of power that many characters stand on but Justairus played hopscotch on it.

Bastallion: I’ve been feebleminded before.

: I believe you.

Martin: Hu, who ripped a hole in the space time continuum with a small silver rabbit.

Martin: (describing how the party would arrange themselves): ...making a solid dwarf and half elf line.

Dan: Just give me a couple of seconds. I am figuring out ogres.

Corbrey: Oh well, come down here and let me educate you, oh ignorant infidel of the sky rug.

Kelicaragu (dimensionally folding two purple worms to a volcano): YOU can go over THERE.

George: Well that explains one or two things, but not more.

Martin: Ok, well I’ll sit down and take some damage.

Martin: Hû will cast 22 fire balls into the sky with his staff and then refill it.

Dan: I think he would be banned.

Martin: Yeah he probably would…

: Awh, come on is anyone having their 22nd birthday?

Orlandon (after casting Improved Strength): Bronbus, pass me that sword. I feel the time has come for me to kick some arse.

George: What’s he training up as?

Dan: A donkey.

Bronbus: Ahh, I’ll give you one hair from the tail of me ‘orse but never anything else.

George: He must be the most beautiful transvestite half orc in the universe.

George: Well he’s tall, but he doesn’t weight much. So he’s probably thin. So he probably wouldn’t be much use with a screw driver.

Snu (a musician): Well I consider myself reasonably hard but I don’t think I fancy going and taking on a group of wizards. I think I’d rather just sit here and play with The Tudles.

George: Get better as time goes backwards.

George: *burp*

Dan: Cried the bishop

George: As he banged his knee on a tree on which somebody painted particularly stupid large pink three and then a bee came out of the tree and stung him in the eye so he couldn’t see. So he fell off of the cliff because he couldn’t see and banged his other knee on a flea.

George: That isn’t worse or better… It’s the same.

George: Yes, at least 7½ million years. And that’s just reaching over there and getting a pencil.

George: Urah.

Dan: Urah?

George: Yes. You must never say that to a hedgehog because they will become extremely violent.

George: Twiddle, twiddle, twiddle. How much twiddling has been done already?

Dan: Some.

Dan: We’ve had a lot of wet catastrophes today.

Dan: Have you won?

George: Yeah. I just haven’t gotten to the finish line yet.

George: Bent that Citroen like a piece of meat around a turkey.

Dan: Or a piece of toast around a bishop.

George: I think I’ll go for a drive around the universe and then launch myself upon a corkscrew.

Lido: Plants are particularly dangerous creatures and are not to be trifled with.

George: Oh, would you believe it…

Dan: What did you do?

George: Just emptied the sugar bowl rather unexpectedly.

Dan: We’ve had rather a lot of activity involving the pope and the bishop throughout the course of this congregation.

Dan: Drop the teabag through the doorhandle.

Fruban (yelling a command word after the floor vanished): Bellboopfroop! <SPLAT!> (His carpet didn’t unfurl).

George: Numthrumphruphnumfruphnumfrumfruph…. Ahhh that’s better

George: Pruphprumfrumphruphfrumfrupphruphfruph. I seem to be barking like a dog, but I don’t know why.

George: I need two new carpets a week demanded the sprouts.

George: You must only tell me something if it’s not important.

George: And two cows barked at the dog. Which wasn’t Pog. Pog the dog lived under a log, with a frog. One day Pog the dog was rather dismayed because a woodcutter had come along and had taken away his log. He went to a man called Slog who turned his log into clogs. When Slog saw how sad Pog was he made him some special dog clogs. Pog was very proud of his clogs. No one was ever surprised to see him because everyone could hear him coming because of his dog clogs. One day he tripped and bashed his head on a post made of toast. He was very disgruntled because somebody had put jam on the post. And it went in his ear so he couldn’t hear. So when he shook his head to get the jam out of his head it flew through somebody's window and landed in their bed. And some splashed onto their head. So Pog who was quite distressed fell and chipped his lip as he tripped over a ship.

George: I remember being reluctant to chew a blade of grass.

George: It was all rubbish.

George: And Thatte the cat spat on a fur hat that he thought was another cat. And then he sat on a cucumber and had a slumber… On a cucumber. Until he was awoken by a trumpeter. Who was dropping oranges upon a rug. He was trying to drop them on a bug that was on a rug, but he kept missing the bug. Then all of his oranges ran down the room to a plug which was guarded by a thug. And every time an orange approached he would stamp on it with his great boot, and hoot. And he stamped his boot so hard that he hurt his foot so he took it out of his boot and covered it in soot. And the smell of the soot made the cat sneeze until it started to wheeze. And it got short of breath. And it had a bit of a pant. But it didn’t like being unable to breathe so it had a bit of a rant. So he had a go at the man with the boot who gleefully squashed oranges.

George: A pig once found a peg and put it on an egg. He threw it at a tree and it hit me on the leg. He picked up the egg shell, it exuded a toxic smell. Crunched it up between my thumbs and threw it at the ground. The pig came up to me and punched me on the knee. He said can I have my eggshell back. I hope it isn’t cracked. I showed him the bits of shell and the pig began to yell. He ran around the field twice just like a pack of mice. And in the morning there were three biscuits on one halibut.

Dan: And the King walked up to the goose...

George: And said “prooopch”. Which means spanner face. I wonder how many geese have been called spanner face? And flannel feet?

George: Sprench dropped his bucket and hurdled the approaching goats with a grimace of terror.

George: Every year, just off the coast of the island Joshthrunspanual the annual tuba tossing festival takes place. And deep below the surface of the sea there is a massive heap of thousands of tossed tubas that have lain there for centuries, some of them. Anyway, one year Prupthrownstrat was a renowned thrower of trombones and sousaphones and was also a worthy clarinet catcher and flute juggler and… Something else something else. Entered this contest against the mighty Espanculous Spruntuous of Threenstridle who was better known as the mighty hurler of the flugelhorn. Also the ginger giant from the south, whose name was Zinziluclick, who was well known for his ability of tea chest bass throwing, straight up a 150’ cliff with two thumbs.

Dan: Would you go to sleep!?

George: I might be able to sleep... Anyway, the great day of the contest approached and the idea was for all three contestants to hurl various objects into the sea from the back of the ship. Well the first object the tea chest base thrower had to throw was a sheep. With an almighty plop he tossed the bleating sheep deep into the sea under the silvery moon to much great applause. Whilst simultaneously the great flugelhorn thrower of the south flung his baboon rather inaccurately. And the final throw of the competition was with the multi instrumental tosser and he had to hurl a goat over the side and he hurled this goat as far as he possibly could.

Dan: Two foot six.

George: But he forgot to let go, and landed with a plop in the water, making his hair go frizzy. Unimpressed at their efforts, Boris the Flea Flicker took his father's rhino and kicked it over the mountains in the distance, into the distant ocean, where it caused an enormous tidal wave that destroyed at least 97 cities, and was thus declared the champion for the year “1”.

Dan: You’ve had 899 words of quotes during the duration you have been lying down.

George: Is that all?

Dan: No. I made it up.

Dan: Thanks for that, but now I need to see a psychiatrist.

George: Thrumbrupproupt said "Pass me the peas, I need to sneeze."

George: "I couldn’t get my finger out," said the Pope as he passed the chicken farmer.

George: I’d think I’d enter anything for 800,000. Even my arm, in a gnu.

Dan: <pause> There is nothing I could possibly say.

Dan: I can remember some things that happened a long time ago but this doesn’t happen to be one of them.

Martin: I can’t get it up, I’m in a base.

Dan: I probably have enough music to entertain a small crowd of donkeys for a few millennia.

Dan: Are you having a bit of a toilet issue today?

George: Yes, I like it in there.

George: He sighs, and doesn’t open the curtains.

Dan: Oh. I’ve just had another idea.

George: Wow, so that’s two that you’ve had in your life now.

Dan: That is stupid because every time someone wants to use a laptop they have to put up with the loud growling of a fan.

George: Oh he has another attack… Let’s hope this time he does a bit better… “2”… Well at least he did twice as good this time.

Dan: Causing the cop to land with a plop and stop hopping on his shopping.

Dan: And the man fell to the ground and didn’t make a sound. He was renowned for his large crowd of his gibbons.

George: Cricket nipples.

George: Well it’s fast, but it handles like a pole being pushed up a tube.

Galzai of Larsha: Well I’m pleased to meet you... I think... so far...

George: He’s not the cleverest Illusionist who ever drew a triangle.

George: Galzai takes the cork out of the jar and puts it next to it and says “there”.

Cliff: It has to be a proper fantasy game otherwise it just becomes a freakish obsession with bits of paper and dice.

George: Slowly a flock of spaniels descended through the window.

George: She looks as if she’s about to have her hair chewed by a yellow trout.

George: This car is quite nice actually. <Bang!> Although I prefer it with a bent door.

Dan: Chips. With ships on them.

Dan: Start in the middle. Finish at the end. And, sneeze in the middle.

George: Well, that Mitsubishi is about as interesting as a goat’s leg.

Dan: And I remember seeing Dave because he was quite shocked at the fact I age at the same rate as other humans.

George: I had an alien on the wall until I covered it up with that poster. But I can still see its bottom lip.

Martin: Bugger. This is balancing gone bonkers.

Dan: Let’s have an outbreak of squawking.

Dan: And the turtle was chasing the rabbit.

George: Let’s have a particularly good clack.

George: The end of a doctor is normally extreme.

George: And the weasel grimaced because it put its foot in a whale.

Dan: How did a weasel get its foot stuck in a whale?

George: It fell.

Dan: From where?

George: A tree.

Dan: How did a whale get under a tree?

George: It fell.

George: Hi-Hah! Shouted Bill as he trod on his tortoise.

Terrafarlow (passing Spierdalaj a magic berry): Here, have one of these.

Spierdalaj: Thanks, I could do with a good meal.

George: Somebody has used all the burnt hedgehogs.

Dan: I bet a vegan has a really boring breakfast.

George: Yes. Beef. With pork.

Dan: And what do they have to drink?

George: Lamb.

Dan: Would you like a side order of chicken or turkey with that? Or haggis? Or all of the above? Or below, depending on how you enter the kitchen.

George: Carelessly. I always enter a kitchen carelessly.

Dan: With outstretched arms wildly waving two machetes.

George: Whilst running with well-greased shoes, blindfolded, whilst being tickled by ten ferrets.

George: Well that was interesting. Oh, we got a hundred eggs and a keyring.

George: Choculate yourself most defiantly, in a frenzy of bubbles and spray.

George: They can’t see. They’re behind a menagerie of freaks.

George: Oh flaps! Plap!

George: They didn’t wrap the tail up quickly enough.

George (describing the situation in the Test Match): We have plenty of time to get the runs.

Tanzock: I think it might be a wise idea to have a Nap

Radric: Yes, well it might be a wise idea to have a crap (he says running off around the corner).

Ksnimitsu (when the party wre deciding who should receive a Nap spell): Won’t you be tired, dwarf?

Radric: Dwarves are never tired… Except sometimes of elves.

George: Yes well that’s the inevitable conclusion of life really - if it isn’t death, its stupidity.

Ksnimitsu: <looks at Radric and sighs.>

Radric: What?

Ksnimitsu: You really have to sort out your toiletry bag.

Radric: Eh?

Ksnimitsu: Yes, my weasel can smell your problem.

George(making a cup of tea): Squidge squidgy sqidge squidgy sqidge squidgy sqidge squidgy sqidge squidgy sqidge, lift! Oh good it’s burning. It’s going everywhere, coming out like juice. Dump. You can go in there. Now top with cow extract.

George: Agra thereon.

Dan: Sounds like a disease.

George: It is, I’ve just given it to you.

George: Do you fancy putting the kettle on?

Dan: It’s all the way over there! I might die of exhaustion if I do.

George: Well you might die of multiple wounds if you don’t.

Dan: Well if you put it like that then I don’t suppose I have much choice.

George: It’s impossible to murder anyone and get away with it these days.

Graham: <scans the bookshelf>

Cliff: What are you doing?

Graham: Looking for a book.

George <pointing at the bookshelf>: There’s one!

Dan: They seem to have randomized when the birds alternate between flapping and gliding.

Dan: Well, I’m going to hit the sack. With a large rubber pelican.

Martin: There’s Asmodeus, on his straw hut!

Kronosia: That’s pretty damn cool.

Ximima: Yes, I thought so.

Dan: I really don’t understand people’s failure to urinate sensibly.

Ximima: I suppose nobody but a high level wizard could conjure a stick covered in turkeys, could they?

George Right, well that’s of no use whatsoever. Drat!

Dan: ...said Boris, looking at his spatula.

Lutch: I’m very good at checking doors.

Koslass: Would you like me to get you a box so that you can reach the lock?

Lutch: No, I have my own ladder, thanks.

Martin: He was so slow he was in the bottom group for maths.

Martin: Alright you four! I need you to come over here and help me draw this box!

Lutch: <Conjures a 1000gp whip and whips it.> Drat, I knew I should’ve been called Trevor”

Arion Tanarl (upon seeing a dead cow): Meat!... Skin!... Good!

Dan: ...he said as he walked past a butcher's shop, a tannery and a temple.

A wall: Well done! Somebody give this Illusionist a biscuit!

Fehren (to the wall using Stone Tell): Ask me why I’m so fat.

The wall: Sigh. Why are you so fat?

Fehren: Because every time I shag your mother she gives me a biscuit.

Arion Tanarl: His mother is probably a builder. A dwarf at that.

Abnara: You have no class, Ferhen.

Fehren: You don’t need class to enjoy biscuits.

Laney: Cats are like ducks. They don’t get wet.

George Is it raining or is the cat having a wash?

Radric: Look at you, all skin and bones, such a skinny little rabbit.

Ksnimitsu: I may be thin but I could still beat you in a fight.

Radric: Depends what sort of fight.

Ksnimitsu: Chess? Reading?

Radric: What’s reading again? Is that when you ring a bell a second time?

Dan: Maybe you like stirring tea with your nose hair.

George Yes, I like giving it a slightly salty stir and having a beige drip on the end of my nose.

George Flap! Flap! Flap!

Dan: ...said the seagull, narrating its flight.

George Clonk! Splat!

Dan: <as George started drinking his tea> GLUG!!!

George *splutter*

George (showing a shiny new character sheet he'd just re-written): Here, have at look at her back. And her 'knows'.

George Nice cat. And now I need a bath.

George Yes, that would be very sensible.

Dan: ...said the man, looking at the trampoline with the machetes positioned underneath it.

George I was just trying to think of something stupid to say, but failed.

Dan: That’s odd because normally when you open your mouth you succeed.

Snothmol: Opening doors is clearly a woman’s job!

Thorn (after being revived from fire damage and noticing some others were still unconscious): That was hot. Why are they so tired?

Dan: Is it like a squashed orange?

George You don’t know cos you can’t see all of it cos it’s a clack.

Thorn: What’s going on?

Crandampulamp: We’ve been told to wait here and be quiet.

Thorn: Who by?

Crandampulamp: The thief.

Thorn: (Disgruntled and dubious mutterings.)

Finch: Well if he was any other character class I wouldn’t trust him.

Thorn: What colour is your milk?

Ziranbaglu: We don’t have milk. I have beer on my cornflakes, which are made of meat.

George: Well, that seems to have dealt with that.

Dan: Said the man, coming out of the dentist’s with an octopus in a carrier bag.

Dan: Power word tea!

George: 18!

Dan: 16!

George: Hah!

Dan: Well, I guess that’s my own fault. Said the man on the phone to the dentist, booking another appointment.

Eric the Invoker: Smeeth! Come and look at this! Look at my beard!

Dan: We will have to make a table of movement. Also known as a trolley.

Ksnimitsu: Are you quite ready to leave now, dwarf?

Radric: No, I haven’t finished my drink yet.

Dan: Ksnimitsu will get his weasel to defecate in his drink.

Radric: Oi! I was enjoying that. Now I’m going to have to order another one. And this time I’m going to drink it really slowly.

Ksnimitsu: For heaven’s sake, we don’t have time for this. Don’t make me do things to your beard.

Radric: Oh, all right. Can I take it with me?

Ksnimitsu: Yes.

Radric: Seeing as you think you are so clever, even though you are not, could you shrink this throne so that we are able to lift it and take it home?

Ksnimitsu: I can’t right now, but I will be able to after I’ve had a rest.

Radric: *sigh* You’re so feeble.

Heigfof: Right, now, I want to go home.

Chilimo: Where do you live?

Heigfof: *points* That way!

Chilimo: Well, why don’t you wait? Then we call all come with you.

Heigfof: Because I don’t want to see anybody. I want to go home to my bed and grow hair. This is an operation which requires seclusion and solitude. So, thanks Walmerz. I will see you in the distant future. If you happen to see my axe, please have it delivered.

George: Ah, it would be useful to take that.

Dan: Said the man, collecting his wooden leg.

George: Ooh, that’s cooked.

Dan: Said the man, putting his wooden leg down immediately.

Snothmol (referring to his Boots of Flying): Flap flap flap flap flap flap flap flap flap flap flap flap flap flap flap. That’s what my shoes do.

Dan (Explaining the sound his Dad made in his sleep): You sounded like a zombie in the opera.

Dan (Continuing to explain): You also said “Nooooooooooooooooooooo... Clonk!”

George: I still can’t understand why I didn’t give it a name, instead of shouting the wrong species at it. It’s like having a parrot and shouting “Pigeon!” at it.

George: I didn’t really want to wake up, it’s just shouting at the bird woke me up.

George: Raaaarrrrghh. Errgh? I still can’t believe I shouted after that bird.

George (chomping violently on nothing): Heughhh. Chewy. Like salt.

George: That’s better. Said the knees to Denise, as she swung through the trees, with a plate full of cheese.

Corbrey: If I wanted to see into a dark window, I would first ask the owner’s permission, and then I would break it.

Dan What are the average amount of words in a book?

George: and Dan together: One.

Iarvaric (to Ubhooli): Well, you may have lost your leg and you may have died, but if you stick with me then you will get along just fine.

George: It’s not as if it takes a long time to fall off of a wall.

Dan: I couldn't possibly go 8 hours of my life without listening to somebody walking past banging a tin.

George: Grobal is currently stunned, deaf and on fire.

Smeeth: What are you authorised to do?

Police Robot: That question is too unspecific.

Grobal: Can you cure the deaf?

Medic Robot: No. If you cannot hear, I suggest you learn to lip-read.

Grobal: But you don't have any lips.

Medic Robot: Yes I do, but when I move them they don't look normal.

Grobal: What is this?

Police Robot: This is the mother ship.

Grobal: What is the father ship?

Police Robot: That information is not known.

Grobal: What is the mother ship?

Police Robot: This is.

George: Right, Alfranti is responsible for the ones, the twenties, the roach and the sweet wrapper.

George: The battle has to begin at the moment the sun rises. As Kol-Ibur is in a forest, somebody has climbed a tree to determine exactly when that time is.

Layfe: Elves are nothing compared to the issues with my leg.

Dan: The strongest person in the party is a gnome!

George: I feel like I have eaten the entire contents of someone's fireplace.

George: Maybe you need to title the left column "things", and the right column... "things".

Dan: Yes. This column represents things. As does this one.

Deshu: Who are you and why did you make that horrible smell?

Grobal: My name is Grobal of Athena, and I did not make that horrible smell.

Snothmol: He does normally.

Dan: While he's doing that, Remphys will come out of the closet.

Priest of Lei-Kung: You killed my brothers!

Crandampulamp: You ate our friend!

Slambicuslomp: They ate Froofthweep.

Bomfreediflimp (looking slightly disturbed): I... know...

Crandampulamp (stroking his cat): I didn't eat Froofthweep.

Kim: Is running useful?

George: It depends if you are carrying a piano.

Kim: Can you not give me a sensible answer?

George: No.

Elisel: Tell me the names of your tiny friends and I shall call for them.

Anton: Preep.

Elisel: Pardon?

Anton: Preep!

Elisel: Was she an orphan?

Anton: I don’t know, they are not very long my friends.

Elisel: Very well. And the names of the others?

Anton: Plup. And Bruph.

Elisel (shouting): PLUP! BRUPH! PREEP! PLUP!

Anton: Uh, it was Splap. Not Plup.

Elisel (continuing to shout): PLUP! PREEP! BRUPH!

Kim: Anton goes to look for the thieves but doesn't find them. They are pissing, presumed dead.

Chilimo: Don’t worry, I have enough healing, although I used my Raise Dead already. On you.

Sirus: Well, that was lucky. Rocs are hard!

Pokus Hooks: I shall wind his bounds. [Mispronunciation of "bind his wounds"]

Kim: Bombadur shall use some lick points. <Luck Points!>

Kim: Floin shall use some yuck points. <Also Luck Points!>

On the plane of Concordant Opposition, where Grogafarla sees the land as rows of bookcases stretching forth; Fruban sees the land as endless coliseums; Grolamitsu sees the land illuminated by a full moon, with bats and dragons on the horizon; and Subzero sees the land as a forest filled with hobbit-sized plants.

Dan: Grogafarla takes one of the books from a bookshelf near to him and opens it.

George: It’s blank.

Dan: He takes out a quill and ink, and in the book writes “Milk; Eggs; Potatoes”, and puts it back.

Dad: Fruban sees Grogafarla graffiting on a near-by achievement board

Fruban: What did you write that there for?!

Grogafarla: So I don’t forget!

Fruban: Are you planning to come back here and do some shopping?

Grogafarla: No.

George: Subzero sees Grogafarla writing on a berry, and Grolamitsu sees Grogafarla writing on a rock.

Dan: They probably think that is perfectly normal behaviour for a wizard.

<Fruban speaks to the Bronze Dragon, Spap.>

Fruban: So what’s your name?

Spap: Spap.

Fruban: That’s an interesting name. What does it mean?

Spap: When my mother was naming me, she asked my father, “What shall we name this egg?”. He responded, “We should name it...”, and then turned his head and banged his face on a post. “SPAP!”

Fruban: Do you have any brothers or sisters with names that resulted from your father’s injuries?

Spap: Yes. I have a sister called “Oh No Not Again.”

Dan: Grobal will raise the staff above his head and shout.

George: What does he shout?

Grobal: Shout.

Kim: He shouts ‘shout’?

George: Does anybody else shout after he’s shouted ‘Shout!’?

Dan: <referring to the list of other characters that a character knows> I haven’t done a nose for some time.

Unfliphy: I can recognise one of my kind when I see one. And I don’t mean you’re a paladin. Or a woman.

Twang: Sorry! That didn’t quite go according to plan!

<Twang continues to run back to the rest of the party with a dozen gnolls and several angry fire giants in hot pursuit!>

Dan: Anything immediate happening? Other than explosions?

Dan: Have all three been hit?

George: Yes.

Dan: Which one looks the worst?

George: The one with only one leg.

Skah: What happened here?

Twang: Nothing.

Skah (looking at the dead bodies): Are you sure, Twang?

Twang: Yes.

Skah: You don’t seem too sure.

Twang: Well, er, no. You see, we were just looking at some other things in the room and they suddenly attacked us.

Skah: Twang. You’re a bad hobbit.

Twang: Thanks!

Skah: That wasn’t meant to be a compliment!

Jackey Bodon (from down the corridor): Twang! Come and look at this chest!

<Twang sees a perfect opportunity to leave, and does.>

Skah (jumping on Ozar to subdue him): I hate doing this to men with no trousers on.

Prdele (jumping on Ozar’s legs to help subdue him): Ewww... <and she turns to face the other way>

Ozar (a little later): Can you get off my chest, and can you get off my legs, and where are my trousers?

Wood Elf Princess: Which tree do you live in?

Dudric: The brown one. It’s not brown, that’s its name.

Tessa (describing Palladon): His skin is completely skin coloured.

Tessa Furaga will tell Glorietta who hit her on the head.

George: Is she really going to do that?

Tessa: Yes.

George: Do you know who it was?

Tessa: No?

George: It was Furaga.

Tessa: Then Furaga will not do that after all.

Grogafarla: I found it! My sock turned into a python!

George (recounting previous events before starting): ...to make a gift for her boyfriend, Sizzleplop.

Tessa: Sizzleplup! Plup!

George (not hearing correctly): I said plop!

Tessa: No, plup!

George (still not hearing right): Yes, I said plop!

Tessa: PLUP!!

George: Plup?

Tessa: Not plop, plup!

George: Sizzleplup, not Sizzleplop?

Tessa: Yes!

George: Oh. OK. Plup... not plop.

Kuros (feeling exasperated with Spoglifromp): Do you have a brain in that head of yours, or just some mushrooms?

Zharzhar: How could I clear the webs away?

Spoglifromp: Drop a cow down the hole?

Zharzhar: Can you let us pass?

Mysterious robed figures standing with staves crossed in the road in the rain: <No response at all>

Zharzhar: Are you deaf?!?